I am working through a new coaching program that is grounded in neurolinguistic programming or NLP. It has been fascinating to learn about myself through the lessons that they are assigning to help build my understanding of the various models of development and human psychology. This past week I completed an assignment on how we process emotion. The model talks about tracking emotions and how they live and interact in your body. There is a natural movement through this model that allows you to digest your experiences and work through pain and suffering to a place of peace and calm – with others and ultimately inside yourself.
And there are no shortcuts through this process. So often I found myself thinking that I can pray or meditate myself through my down times, and yet the level of calm that is required to really focus is beyond my immediate grasp when I am in the throes of a bad day. Through this lesson I’ve learned that moving from a state of “stuck” – whether that is sadness, depression or other emotions that drag you down – requires that we move through a stage of activation. In that activation stage our energy shifts from sadness to anger, or from depressed to motivated … We move there by feeling into the state and taking even one step … for me that starts with my internal voice telling me, “Staying in this place is doing you no good … go DO something!” That could be a walk out in nature, a brisk walk on the treadmill, a personal dance party – there is something in the physical activation of my body that somatic response triggers my emotional state. I can “burn” off the sadness, the depression, the frustration and see the power I have to shift, to move forward … And, when I get into that stage of activation, I can tap into resources that are not available to me when I am wallowing in the first stage, stuck under the weight of my emotion.
It is by entering in and working through this activation, and the creativity that it brings, that I can drop into a peaceful state, where I can be calm and relaxed. In this stage I no longer need to feed that activation, it is transmuted into a state of flow that is easy and from which I can continue to generate new and improved emotions. It is a wonderful place to be, and from here I enjoy the dance back and forth between my calm, relaxed state and a return to activation. It is also the place that is the ground for my ability to land in the fourth quadrant, where the peace and relaxation is deep and abiding, where I can experience my truest self without the siren’s song of desires, I can simply “be”. I may not be there long, though with the practice of meditation I find that I can extend that time … but just being able to touch that space, even for a time, is enough to re-energize me for the next leg of my life’s experience.
Now why, do I tell you this? Because my “a-ha” moment was in the realization that emotions MUST be processed. That had always been such a cliché term to me. But it is real! You can’t bypass them. You can’t deny them their time in your mind and body or they will find ways to drag you back until you DO give them the recognition they need. I find that when I am in that first stage, where we land when we experience times of grief, or loss, or frustration … I am so uncomfortable, I try to do everything to fly out of that phase as fast as possible. No one wants to be around someone who is perpetually stuck and sad and miserable … At least that is what I was always told, and probably why I have never allowed myself to fully experience emotion in that quadrant. Now, I can see how in that attempt to bypass the experience of life – in all its magnificent ups and downs – I am not moving out at all. So, I am learning to sit with grief, to acknowledge it, to experience it and recognize it for the depth that it brings to my character … and when I have given it its time, then I can move into the fire of activation and begin the journey toward peace, calm, and acceptance. And I am taking stock of what those actions are that start to stir new energy when I am low … like walking, singing, a hot shower, a cup of tea, a cuddle with the puppy, a chat with my daughter on the phone … That list which will be my energizer to move me when the time is right.
If you are like me, and you have been denying yourself the full experience of your emotions of grief, sadness, loss, fear, depression, frustration … I invite you to rest with those emotions for a while and to acknowledge the lesson that you are learning in that space. I also invite you to make your own personal list of energy shifters so that, when you have given the emotion its time, you can use them to move you out of that “stuck” space and to activate the energy that will carry you to calm